My life has been chalked full of hectic and stepping back to take a deep breath has not been able to peek its way into my schedule. I can almost count this post as my deep breath.
Work has been wonderful in the way that I don’t necessarily have to fake I’m working. It has allowed me to be able to sit and work on my beading projects when I’ve had downtime. Whether it’s creating new designs or implementing designs I’ve been able to create a diverse inventory (Etsy shop update will happen soon).
As always, I’m finding more thinky-thoughts and projects to add to my already long list. It doesn’t seem like my brain or my Ib are going to stop anytime soon. That just means I’m the embodiment of the flood. The snow hasn’t even melted yet and I’m bursting at the seams. It must be an ice dam.
I was asked by a local shop last year if I would be willing to present a Kemetic Mythology 101 as a class for their store, and as it would be, I have been letting my anxiety hold me back in different respects to completing the proposal. There is a large amount of information and sourcing I can utilize, but it’s been very overwhelming in my attempts to decide what information I want to present and how I want to present it to the audience. I already know the why I want to do this, and that’s been keeping me from abandoning the project. I told myself I will hone in after my cultural holidays have left and now they are gone.
However, something else has taken precedence. The main focus of my non-work related life has become my costume for the Paganicon Ball in March. The theme is “Primal Mysteries” and the theme of my costume is a tribute to Amon-Re. I have the dress I’m going to be tweaking, but now it is a question of what to use and creating like crazy.
In symbolic terms, I’m currently a spider. I attempt to avoid squishing from large books and weave like crazy, because deadlines and He deserves my attention currently.
Disclaimer: There is strong language and whinging ahead, you have been warned (disclaimer takes me back to my fanfic-ing days of the early 00’s).
Whew! There’s nothing like moving out and moving in within 2 days to make for a hectic energy-eating period. The stress I have been feeling is redistributing itself back in to its normal categories, like money, time-management, and job flailing/job searching. I feel a bit more normal again (normal as in like me). I’m now in a calmer place, building a home, and away from the “bad”.
Cauldronites get a shout out for listening to me as I was trying to figure out/bitch, moan, complain, and whine. I was in a bad place. A “bad” location, surrounded by “bad” interactions. I’m not necessarily talking about the loud music/voices, the domestic disputes on the street, nor the daily gunshots. Those urban mainstays caused some stress but weren’t as stressful as the “bad” I’m referring to. Those urban mainstays were the least of my problems. No, the bad was the triggers that would be concisely hit, the emotional abuse inflicted, the inability for someone to be a fuckin’ adult to help keep house, the stress of feeling trapped and alienated in my own house, and probably a few others I’m forgeting.
I had come up with a daily schedule to talk with the Netjeru and at least look at one crafty thing if not craft myself. I was so ecstatic to have finally found a pattern that WORKED. That schedule went by the wayside and now I’m feeling the scramble to get things back on track (not because I have to, but because I want to). Now there is the point of trying to figure out what went wrong and where. I was all right for quite a while, but then things broke down slowly. As I am figuring out the what to figure out the why, it has given me a new meaning to the word “toxic”.
Within that whole mess are two main concepts: me and the house. I have figured out I couldn’t maintain the house of the Netjeru I have set up, because it was taking all of my energy to maintain both the physical house and the facade of everything was okay in the house of my soul, my heart.
Well guess what, I wasn’t okay and I’m still not totally fine. How someone I was close to for years can cause me to feel like that and not give two-shits, angers me to the point of tears. I don’t care about nor want to hear about male-obliviousness, gods damn you all people who can’t pull their head out of their asses enough to see past their fuckin’ upturned nose. Well guess what, I’m done with that and I’m not going to play these passive-aggressive games. Are you reading this, my old friend? No, you’re not because you’re so busy on Youtube, Netflix, and your sporadic-due-to-lack-of-motivation-based projects to even care what I say and what happens to me.
Keeping house isn’t just cleaning up what is there. It’s also about getting rid of the clutter and unnecessary. It can be in the physical, the emotional, the spiritual. It can be in so many places. Typically in the past the Netjeru give me withering looks from the eyes of their statues when I’ve been slacking off. This time They haven’t given me “the stares”. In fact, some of Their presences have been stronger and more assimilated within me. It’s an embrace that’s helped me weather the meltdowns. It’s also the embrace preparing me to move forward, all the while picking up my pieces along the way.
It’s because I’m a part of Their family, and they look out for Their own. I am a member of Their home. It’s only appropriate with starting a new chapter on the physical would lead to a new chapter emotionally and spiritually. I talked about in a previous post about how I’m not finding home among the people here in Minnesota, and although it is the case, I’m at least making a home and keeping house with the universe. Now I just need to apply that to all of the intertwined elements. Ba, Ka, and Khait work here I come and with that in mind “K” is for keeping house and making home.