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Journey Along the Hidden Path

As I hit my month long introspective journey, I’m struck by the footprints I’ve laid down before and what impact I will leave as I walk currently. The details elude me, leaving only the sensation of their vague echoes.

This season marks two transformation cycles, both in nature with Autumn descending upon my home and from within as I enter the month long sojourn that is Opet. As the leaves change their colors and fall, the pieces within me either breakaway, fall in to place, or create something new. Each time I have celebrated Opet there has been the creation or destruction of the defining factors which I am able to weave my path.

However, this year brings unknown factors and results I am not able to predict nor have a guide for.The main reason why the expectations are different are due to the new focuses I have decided to work on to develop myself.

I snicker a little bit at this detail. My Opet is the celebration and a rigorous work period with the Theban triad. The members function within the unseen places and along secretive paths. Their focus is on the work within silence and the hidden. Mut has always been a caring and guiding force in my life when I have encountered/worked with Her. Amon-Re and Khons have been part of my personal retinue for some time, however that bond was deepened this year with the oaths I took on Wep Ronpet . The two of them have a tendency to make everything interesting.

I have no doubts the work I do this Opet will leave a long-standing mark upon me.

Onwards to the hidden path!

 

The Path onto the New Decade

The first thing I would like to say is best laid plan’s in my world become none of the plans right away. I planned to have a nice post in March after Paganicon and now it’s the middle of June.

So much of my world has been upended, I’m still trying to bend to storm to me rather than my current beings experiencing the chaotic tossing by its design. I figure a short list will give the idea.

I have not been in the dating scene for six years and I decided to take a chance and try to date someone who was interested. After about two maybe three months, he called it quits. I wasn’t dependent enough on him and too independently minded. Considering the signs pointing towards a toxic relationship I saw after the fact, I was in shock for fifteen seconds and heartbroken not even one. I gained experience I didn’t have before and lessons learned in a way that was best case scenario and not world-shattering.

Paganicon was once again an invigorating experience allowing me to once again discover the pieces to organize what I want to do and where I want to go (details will be below).

I lost my job April 1st and have been on the hunt for a few months now. It’s been an adventure forcing me out of my comfort zone and to take chances I never even thought of taking before. It also became a telling sign of how much my job leached out of my life and how much of me was fractured.

Ongoing issues with my heart energies and my third eye caused me enough duress and pain to finally seek out help. This has both helped me get better physically, energetically, but also to get over the I-have-to-do-all-of-the-things-myself. I haven’t asked many times throughout my life for help beyond book-help and opinions from other practitioners when it comes to my spiritual sphere. It’s been a hurdle the Netjeru have been trying to push me through. This event has been followed up with  a decision to join two of my friends in a practicing circle of sorts where we help each other, have a few group rituals/practice sessions together, and hold each other accountable to work on our individual goals.

I’m sure by now, you can imagine at least a basic picture of Whirlwind of Stuff.

Now, here we are in June, but first let’s go back to March, specifically for the outcome of Paganicon.

Baby steps, baby steps, oh wait, I’ve been doing baby steps for quite some time and didn’t even know it. When Veggiewolf was both preparing and presenting the talk, I learned I had overcome a hurdle I thought I was still battling. One of the main ideas with Baby Steps was paring down religion from being this separate life not intermingled with the “mundane” to a life-workable form. This ties in to my own practice with how I operate on a ritual level. I do the daily ritual cycle intertwined with my “mundane” life. I put mundane in quotations because it’s a concept I can use with others, but it is one I stopped using for myself. My life is all-encompassing and all woven together. One aspect isn’t more important or separate from the others. Which brings me to another a-ha point happening at Paganicon.

I work with open statues. To those who don’t know what an open statue is,  the nutshell description is such: It is a statue utilized as a home for a deity. An open statue is different from other statues in the sense it needs to be taken care of as a person is. Food, clothes, water, bathing are some of the basic needs. It is a TON of work, and  I mean a TON. I never put much thought in to how unique it is to have open statues. I thought all Kemetics had them and it was just the way it was. I was incorrect in that belief and surprised at how my own hopes and dreams for long-term temple work were unique. I was elated when others were excited as to how my system worked, especially when the ur-doing-it-rong was never a part of the dialogue.

I’ve spent years hearing what I was doing was wrong and until recently, I just stopped talking about it. I stopped looking for community because community was there in name, but not in practice. I don’t fit the mold of the community I seemed to find when I was looking. I don’t operate in covens or lodges (the dynamics of some of  the vocal groups around here scare me). I don’t have just a God and a Goddess (I can count  a minimum of 32 in a mixed family setting with three of them as my spouses, two as my other halves and four as my current stalkers). I am a purist in the sense of it’s only one pantheon for me. Others may have a blending and I love to hear how people weave together different systems, but when it’s just “I was told all of the many are the same and I don’t know why I’m mixing the way I am,  but someone said it was the way it goes” perturbs me a bit. It’s like walking up to person A asking their name and a brief summary, taking that summary and saying. “oh, you must love to hang out with person B, because the two of you like water”. Rants aside AKA the TL:DR version: it created a complex when all I was finding antagonistic attitudes aimed at me.

I was preparing myself to have to defend myself when I didn’t need to. Which has brought me again to another defining factor, or at least a community defining factor: label. I have spent time trying to define myself to the community in a way not confusing and allows me to not have to have a thirty minute conversation to get basic details. After deliberation and mulling about what to say now, I have come to the conclusion my current label will be “Adaptive Kemetic Reconstructionist”. I am building from studying to make a system comparable to previous practices, but I’m also tweaking for my own use. I find this label is the best of both worlds, the then and the now.

Now we can enter June. As I enter June, I am reminded, ten years. Ten years have now gone by since I took my first oaths to Aset and Nebthet. Ten years since I made the initiative to go this path. I’m looking forward excitedly to where They will take me and where I will take myself. So, onto the new decade.

 

“U” is for Unread Gnosis

I suppose I‘m in the category of a IRAB (I read a book), or better yet, IRBs (I read books) in regards to much of my spiritual background. It however seems to hinder some of my spirituality when personal experience trumps literary sourcing and the logic part of me tries to either shut it down before it flowers or has me questioning whether the “thing” just how I want it to be versus how it actually is.

Over the years I have gotten a bit better from looking at only other sources and took the time to look at one of the most important sources of all of this: myself and my experiences. Now that’s not to say I completely turn my back on sources and go completely contradictory to what things actually are (ie the disk between Het-Hert’s horns being a lunar disk when clearly it’s the SUN according to evidence found everywhere else). I just find myself understanding Them in a different way.

If it works with me, it works with me. Since so much is up to interpretation, it seems nit-picky to deny experience outright (unless there are other unhealthy factors). I don’t have a problem with doing some things contrary to what other sources may say, but I find it troublesome when others expect my word to trump what else is out there. For example, for those who have been following what I do for a while would know I have a divination system I have currently put six almost seven years in to tweaking.

The most recent version included the ability for others to name and choose dice representations of different parts of their being for use with the divination tool. In order to gain these pieces the person wanting to hit that level is given a study guide based on my personal gnosis, so they understand and can join in the understanding of the interpretation.

There is one person who was at that point and when we talk I keep having to remind him, it’s my PERSONAL gnosis. The question I have: should I really be worried when I’m making no claim to absolute truth? I really am making a claim of personal gnosis. It does feel repetitive when I have to keep saying, “This is my interpretation, this is my interpretation”. Should I just let it be or do I need to keep reminding others about “hey, I do this Thing, which is a Thing everyone else may not do nor agree with”?

I don’t like being THAT person. The person who misinforms by their own ignorance and lack of foresight and pushes people down a way that really should not even  be a thing (here’s a nod to you NeWiccanizers). At the same time, my whole work is to share what I know, because I know stuff.

It would really go against my MeryIb since one of His focuses is as a messenger and a keeper of knowledge. Now that’s not to say I mindlessly blabber all of the Things (or at least I hope I don’t). If I did blabber mindlessly I would hope someone would nail me upside a couple of times. Although I suppose I’m just prattling right now, but yeah, nit-picky thinky-thoughts needed out of the brain.

“U” is for unread Gnosis, because I have come to a point where it’s, “put the books down and do”.

Opet Musing

My hands reach for the surface drifting away.
I sink from the light of Ra towards the silent depths.
The deafening silence roars as He drags me deeper within.
The silence leads to the hidden.

I sink from the light of Ra towards the silent depths.
The Shining King’s beams will soon no longer hold me in His safe embrace.
The silence leads to the hidden.
The Hidden One will soon entangle me in His embrace.

The Shining King’s beams will soon no longer hold me in His safe embrace.
The warm light will give way to the truthful silence.
The Hidden One will soon entangle me in His embrace.
His whispers will carry me away.

The warm light will give way to the truthful silence.
The deafening silence roars as He drags me deeper within.
His whispers will carry me away.
My hands reach for the surface drifting away.

“T” is for Traversing Opet

On my calendar Opet started on September 30th (three almost four days ago), and I haven’t started much of anything.

Scratch that, I joined the emboatening crew making the initial donation using the referring amount (when I get paid this week, I will be making a donation out of my pocket). I started my Etsy shop and a GoFundMe fundraiser. I have brought myself halfway out of the emotional rut I was in. I should probably amend that statement to say “I haven’t started much of anything ‘ritual’ wise’ for Opet”.

The Netjeru waiting to be involved in my Opet adventure have been patiently waiting for me to be ready to start the other path. The tasks I have achieved listed above is one of two paths I’m traversing for Opet. The paths have intersection, but they also have diverging tasks I am going to be achieving. Assuming the intensity of the path of the “hidden silence” is the reason why They have been waiting for me to be ready.

I am NOT going to half-ass what I need to do. I can’t say if I want “it”, because I don’t know what “it” is yet. Even if I did know “it” and didn’t want “it”, I need to do “it” whatever “it” is.

Just as the old way of the festival was the journey down the Nile, my internal journey is also set in a similar setting. The Nile was both a realm of mystery, danger, and a necessary foundation to the collection of people who lived within the realms of the Netjeru. My own collection of selves is dependent on a similar core of mystery, danger, and foundation. The journey the Pharaoh took during Opet was both a statement to the world, and I imagine, a statement to themselves. This journey I will be undertaking doesn’t have the clear cut statements to the world the Pharaoh had, because I am not Nisut (nor do I accept any current claims of Nisut), I am Makhaut (The word Makhaut is a word for “family” I found in translation and I use it as such).

I’m still debating whether I will keep an online log of my work or if I will keep it to myself. I’m still wrestling with the running-mouth-I-want-to-tell-everyone-everything-I-talk-too-much, so we shall see what happens when it happens. “T” is for traversing Opet, because my boat is about to set sail.

“R” is for Rejuvenation

So here I am after Wg (W4g, W4gy, Wag, or Wagy are also names for the festival). The surprising thing is that I only “celebrated” the Eve and not Wg Proper. I achieved the work I was going to do on the Eve and I was denied the work for Wg itself.

My life is so in motion that it doesn’t feel like it’s moving and I’m missing stops along the way. I’m going to work to slow crap down, because if I don’t, a burnout is bound to happen. One of the criticisms I receive constantly from the Netjeru is I do too much on my own and my expectations are too high to beat myself up over. I have too much I want/feel I need to do and not enough “me” resources.

So approaching this much-needed weekend, I’m going to create a rejuvenation ritual to use when I start hitting the breakdown. When I hit the breakdown, I shut down and turn off (which is typically enacted with horrible migraines, lack of energy, and depression). At the stage of shutdown nothing I want to get done gets accomplished, and I start the vicious cycle again.

I keep telling myself I need a better system. The dramatic up and downs are not good for me and will probably eventually bite me in the ass. There is a difference between saying and doing. I’m hoping by making mandatory time, I can tweak and re-route my current system.

“R” is for Rejuvenation, because I need to take that time and recharge to prepare for everything else.

“Q” is for Quiescence and the Choice for the Dualistic Existence of Silence

I don’t remember what silence in my head is or was.

I really don’t remember what that actually is.

I can’t remember a time where there wasn’t the chatter, or the low murmuring. Either I’m talking, my projects are talking, my souls are talking, or They are talking. Every moment of my day is cramped with me, me-to-the-fifth-degree, projects, Them, and the little white noise stuck in my ears from loud music. I don’t/won’t despise it. I made that choice after all.

With the high festival season in full swing, it seems the voices have multiplied both in internal volume and in number (typically my Beloved, my Brother, and my Father are the constant). The Work I am doing and going to be doing is calling a month before it’s supposed to commence. It is waiting for no one, not Them, not even me. As other points in my life and path are falling in to place, They are starting to carve out the appropriate internal spaces for themselves. I have given Them my permission in this case, but didn’t expect it to happen quite so fast. Since it hasn’t hampered me in the here and now, nor have they stomped on me, I see no reason to change the pace as of yet.

The quiet times I’ve been allowed throughout the years always seems to be a punishment or a forced vacation. The first time it happened led to painful lessons, wounds, and spiritual scars. The general consenus was that it was just a tad beyond what They and I thought would happen. It was decided never to go that route again. The periods of quiescence are for slowing me down. This is how I live currently.

I made that choice and I’m damn proud of it. I’m happy to belong and to be something greater than what I was before all of THIS. They made the choice to save me, invest in me, and I in turn made the choice to pay Them back and to make my place among Them.

As I prepare for the work ahead, I’m anxious and scared. The anticipation however is not as scary as the alternative of being alone. I’ve adapted to the chatter (as I call it), and it is a part of me. I’m not a godphone, nor a god-operator line. I am a physical connection to balance the un-physical connection. I make the unseen be the seen, exposing the hidden and hiding away its blueprints. This newly-waiting-to-be-charged aspect of my Work creates a new place in my practice for quiescence.

To make the connections, the noise is silenced as the work happens. It is in the silencing of the noise the work achieves its goal. The noise, however, never leaves the forefront. It is always there and it is always heard. The work is undertaken as a dance in an ocean, with the impacts not seen beyond the blurred appearance of the work. The tests I face now are silence and secrecy. How to keep silent when surrounded by noise, and how to not run my mouth to the ends of existence.

“Q” is for Quiescence and the choice for dualistic silence, because I don’t do much of anything with quiescence and I will soon not be able to work without it.

“P” is for Preparing for the Year: Closing the Year, Days Upon the Year, and Wep Ronpet

Whew, this has been a long week, both strengthening and weakening me. Scattered throughout this post are snapshots of the devotional pieces I worked on for the five born upon the year. I may make posts explaining the process and how each one works for Their representations.

The last year has been closed tightly and lessons were learned in the time passed and new lessons were learned from the experience. I haven’t done that much me work in, oh, let’s say ever. The parties involved drove the point home of work on this every so often. It was exhilarating and terrifying mixed in to one. Closure is nice and I had a moment of validation of I’m-doing-this-right.

Heru-Wr

One of the closing rituals was a cutting and mending. The main goal was to cut the ties to someone I don’t want anything to do with anymore. A couple of days after I did the ritual, I got a message from him. I at first felt angry, because I just took the time to cut away that thread. A couple of my friends commented that it meant I did it right, because he felt that absence. There is something very fulfilling to knowing validation has occurred.Set

The first two Days Upon the Year went smoothly. I know Heru-Wr and Set were content with the results of the meditations, prayers, and devotional jewelry pieces. The next three days were a different story. I received a migraine of which I haven’t had in a while. I was laid up Saturday, Sunday, I was starting to feel better Monday, and I’m almost done here on Tuesday. I didn’t do the same work for Asar, Aset, and Nebt-Het. The puzzling thing is, I don’t feel like a failure for not doing the same work I did for Heru-Wr and Set.Asar

I have theories as to why this occurred, but I’m not going to think about pinpointing it until after the excitement settles. I think the main reason has to do with overextending myself and the energy it takes to work on each “project”. Since I’m still new at doing magic and ritual on a deep level, I may have pushed too hard, and They wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to break myself.  I was able to get all of the devotional pieces done in time for Wep Ronpet.

AsetI have decided to use tonight to make my resolutions for the year, and what I would like to focus on. They appreciate when I share/report what I’m doing and thinking. I was originally going to do resolutions and renewing/reviewing my oath with He who is my Beloved. I feel I do Him injustice by trying to cram incredibly important work together in one day (especially since my days are taken mostly by work). I am happy with the start of this new year and I look forward to what may come. “P” is for Preparing for the Year, because now is the best time to prepare as ever.Nebt-Het

On the Eve of the Closing of the Year

Whew, I told myself I wasn’t going to have last minute preparation and here I am, preparing in a fury for tomorrow and the days after.

Tomorrow is the last day of the year and I am going to close it tight.

I am in the process of planning/writing/creating exactly what I want to do. One of the main decisions made was to do an execration, monster-work, and a cutting tomorrow to really knock the last year about.

I’m scared, scratch that, I’m terrified. I have been excelling in practice, but not in self. I don’t even know what I’m going to find in there, but it NEEDS to happen. They have made it clear and I agree whole-heartedly. If I wasn’t terrified, I wouldn’t be aware of the situation, nor understand how important it really is. That feeling will not stop nor deter me. I won’t let it.

So, here I am, making the appropriate preparations because if I don’t, seriously bad crap will happen, and that’s not the way to end the year. The other side is if I don’t do it, there is no new year, and I will be just the same as the last. I can only move forward.

“N” is for Navigating Practice

There was a question posed to me the other day by Naomi (her blog is at: http://leithincluan.wordpress.com/) about suggestions for introductory documents for my path. She will be giving a talk at the UK Pagan Pride event (the title of her talk is “Beyond Earth Worship: Diverse Paths Under the Pagan Umbrella”), and she asked if I would give her some input as a solitary Kemetic. I thought about it and I hit a blank. Instead of supplying sources I basically described that I started scholarly and built from there, which is true. The gears in my head started turning and so I decided to maybe scratch through the layers of what is my practice.

I had started studying ancient Egyptian mythology from a scientific perspective at a young age, unaware the very stories I was reading about were still alive to this day, unaware They were alive and there. A book I acquired in my Sophmore year of high school called “The Mysteries of Isis: Her Worship and Magick” by DeTraci Regula at a bargain bookstore was pretty cool in my view as it had recipes, information, and crafts I thought were for the purpose of study (yeah, I was dense and not able to put the circle in the circle slot back then).

I started myself with nothing more than “They reached out to me and I will reach out to Them”. With my arsenal of a few scholarly books, an Isian-Wiccan biased book, and a Tarot deck (here is the deck I started with: http://www.loscarabeo.com/lang-en/tarocchi-esoterici/295-egyptian-tarot-set.html) I got myself rolling.

I held a belief that as a female I would be a priestess to only goddesses (if anyone asks: logical stupidity). In my defense, it was Aset and Nebthet who reached out first and hung on to me. The other Netjeru didn’t appear to me until later on. I sat with building and writing my own material until I hit about 2006 when it seems the reality kicked in.

I was faced with Set looking over my shoulders and pushing me in to the waters without a lifejacket. I had a view of him (based on the couple of books I had looked at) he was the devil I shouldn’t speak of nor to. He wasn’t having any of that, and after I finally turned around to Him, I figured out I really didn’t know much at all beyond the stories I have looked at (and moreso, stories from a Greco-Roman worldview, not the Egyptian I was aiming for).

I went down to Magus and dumped a buttload (dare I say hundreds if not thousands of dollars) in to sources influenced by practices. There was a trilogy by Mogg Morgan that dove a little bit in to working with the more chaos magic/darker forces. I didn’t do as much work with them as they were more essay-worthy than practice-worthy. The next to come would have been Rosemary Clarks’ duology (which turned out to be SO, SO, SO Hermetic it wasn’t even funny; but I wouldn’t find out until later on). From this book, I took some of the concepts, but not many to further my practice. I would appreciate it for it’s ritual translation as some of the intonation work was hella-strong.

Enter the next phase in where I felt the unneccessary need to learn universal concepts, and THAT fell by the wayside as They promptly pointed out I don’t need that shit to define myself. I went from trying to find connections in community (Ancient Egyptian practices share Shamanic traits, their Temples function like circles, Their holidays can be tweaked to follow the Wheel of the Year, etc.) to walking my own way even if it meant I walked it alone. There was a sense of empowerment I didn’t feel before. I found myself making less excuses and telling others to let ME do it MY way and screw off.

After some fun times (not really) I had a moment to breathe before I entered another community: eCauldron. The people there are intelligent and they not only do their work, they do it well. It was overwhelming with my personal point-of-view being hit by the freight train of “I didn’t even know this before”. I had a difficult period with feelings of being under-prepped and not good enough. When I took myself out of that damn cesspool of self-insult, I buckled down and worked on what I wanted to do for MY practice.

I re-read the books I have that had multiple stamps of approval, maybe acquire a couple more along the way, and I just sit down as the need arises. My practice has become fluid, ever-changing, and about an unorganized as it can be. This dis-organization is due to me building the blocks for me. A book, a person, and a website isn’t going to give the whole picture, because I am a PART of it. There isn’t a book that tells me how to be me. I tell myself how to be me. They interact mainly with me, not the books I read (unless they make sure I see some subject matter as time goes on).

The advice I would give to those starting up: just jump right in and don’t feel stupid. If you don’t make the effort to swim, They will let you drown. It’s not just the Netjeru that will let you drown, it’s the world, and it’s you. No effort put in is nothing received back. There are oddities in thought processes, but I’m not here to define stupid or wrong. I’m not here to be the “true” voice. I’m here to define me, uphold Ma’at, and share Their presence with the world. If others try to tell you otherwise, whack them.

“N” is for navigating practice, because there is a ton of navigation needed in my practice and the path I walk has borders defined by my own footprints.