When I was approached about possibly teaching a class at the local Pagan store in the regards to Kemetic mythology 101, I was excited and ecstatic. Now months later, I’m still mulling about what to do. Do I plan on one class? Do I plan on a series of classes? How basic do I keep the information? (etc, etc, etc). I hope no one is still wondering why I’m pulling my hair out or banging my head on the wall.
Or at least, I was up until a week ago. When I remembered WHY I’m excited and WHY I’m taking the risk.
First of all, I’m excited because I’m able to share my information with others who may have no experience with the realm I work in. There’s a ton of written information and discourse published throughout the years, but digesting some of it can be difficult for people. I want to be a source, since this is MY life path. I live in the middle of this information and it defines much of what I am and what I do with my life. Another detail is something I’ve noticed especially in the last year.
I live in Paganistan. I live in one of the most concentrated areas of Pagans, Wiccans, Reconstructionists, Solitaries, etc. I have lamented in the past of how is it I live among so many yet find so few who are Kemetic or at least have a basic understanding of the background information. The answer I found is that the outreach to community is very small and in a corner somewhere. Public voice among Kemetics in Paganistan is not active enough to seem existent.
This itty-bitty existence is where the conversation of a class started: one of the owners was talking to a friend of mine who works at the store and he pulled out the book I made for him in order to be initiated in my tweaked-divination system. When I spoke to her at a later time, she said that she has had no class in the history of the store that had anything specifically focused on Kemeticism, but said the interest was there. There was no advice on which Kemetic books to sell, or what items to stock for supplies. The past me would have ran away, scared of being singled out. The current me says screw it, let’s do this. Let’s start building dialog and a voice in the community.
One of my long-term life goals is to be a source for people who want to learn about the Netjeru and Their world within our world. I want to teach and to give advice (I’m a priestess at heart and in practice, for gods’ sakes). That’s also where the risk comes in. I’m still muddling about piecing all of the items together and I am in much ways only a smidgen past beginner. I could lead people in directions where it could be incorrect with what I’m striving for, which is doing it right.
There I go again……..I need someone with a pillow to hit me every time the little voice in my head taunts me with “ur doing it wrong”. It still plagues me. The whole discourse is fluid and the definitions are ever-changing. Can I really rely on what it means about doing it right or wrong? Is it perception? My heart can sometimes comprehend the “if it works, go with it”, but my brain will start to analyze and then we go down the deep abyss of self-loathing. I wonder if this is why the brain was considered just an organic mass.
This also leads in to the next risky area: being in a position of power. Granted, it’s not really too much of a position, is it? Well, I think it is. I’m going out there to be a go-to person who has the areas of expertise others don’t have. Information and guidance are very integral for people. They could come to rely on me and I’m a bit worried about having that responsibility. Heck, I can barely keep myself solid.
I know what it’s like being abused by someone who I allowed to be in that position (multiple instances mind you). I’ve been there. I would like to think I would do better, because of the experiences I’ve had, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Maybe I’m just over thinking it, and I will do fine, because I live by the adage “don’t be a jerk”.
Anyways, bumpy road map of the heart and brain is bumpy. Even with the bumps, I have a basic skeleton of an outline. I just need to add meat to the bones, write up a short letter, and send it on its way.