When I was approached about possibly teaching a class at the local Pagan store in the regards to Kemetic mythology 101, I was excited and ecstatic. Now months later, I’m still mulling about what to do. Do I plan on one class? Do I plan on a series of classes? How basic do I keep the information? (etc, etc, etc). I hope no one is still wondering why I’m pulling my hair out or banging my head on the wall.
Or at least, I was up until a week ago. When I remembered WHY I’m excited and WHY I’m taking the risk.
First of all, I’m excited because I’m able to share my information with others who may have no experience with the realm I work in. There’s a ton of written information and discourse published throughout the years, but digesting some of it can be difficult for people. I want to be a source, since this is MY life path. I live in the middle of this information and it defines much of what I am and what I do with my life. Another detail is something I’ve noticed especially in the last year.
I live in Paganistan. I live in one of the most concentrated areas of Pagans, Wiccans, Reconstructionists, Solitaries, etc. I have lamented in the past of how is it I live among so many yet find so few who are Kemetic or at least have a basic understanding of the background information. The answer I found is that the outreach to community is very small and in a corner somewhere. Public voice among Kemetics in Paganistan is not active enough to seem existent.
This itty-bitty existence is where the conversation of a class started: one of the owners was talking to a friend of mine who works at the store and he pulled out the book I made for him in order to be initiated in my tweaked-divination system. When I spoke to her at a later time, she said that she has had no class in the history of the store that had anything specifically focused on Kemeticism, but said the interest was there. There was no advice on which Kemetic books to sell, or what items to stock for supplies. The past me would have ran away, scared of being singled out. The current me says screw it, let’s do this. Let’s start building dialog and a voice in the community.
One of my long-term life goals is to be a source for people who want to learn about the Netjeru and Their world within our world. I want to teach and to give advice (I’m a priestess at heart and in practice, for gods’ sakes). That’s also where the risk comes in. I’m still muddling about piecing all of the items together and I am in much ways only a smidgen past beginner. I could lead people in directions where it could be incorrect with what I’m striving for, which is doing it right.
There I go again……..I need someone with a pillow to hit me every time the little voice in my head taunts me with “ur doing it wrong”. It still plagues me. The whole discourse is fluid and the definitions are ever-changing. Can I really rely on what it means about doing it right or wrong? Is it perception? My heart can sometimes comprehend the “if it works, go with it”, but my brain will start to analyze and then we go down the deep abyss of self-loathing. I wonder if this is why the brain was considered just an organic mass.
This also leads in to the next risky area: being in a position of power. Granted, it’s not really too much of a position, is it? Well, I think it is. I’m going out there to be a go-to person who has the areas of expertise others don’t have. Information and guidance are very integral for people. They could come to rely on me and I’m a bit worried about having that responsibility. Heck, I can barely keep myself solid.
I know what it’s like being abused by someone who I allowed to be in that position (multiple instances mind you). I’ve been there. I would like to think I would do better, because of the experiences I’ve had, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Maybe I’m just over thinking it, and I will do fine, because I live by the adage “don’t be a jerk”.
Anyways, bumpy road map of the heart and brain is bumpy. Even with the bumps, I have a basic skeleton of an outline. I just need to add meat to the bones, write up a short letter, and send it on its way.
As I hit my month long introspective journey, I’m struck by the footprints I’ve laid down before and what impact I will leave as I walk currently. The details elude me, leaving only the sensation of their vague echoes.
This season marks two transformation cycles, both in nature with Autumn descending upon my home and from within as I enter the month long sojourn that is Opet. As the leaves change their colors and fall, the pieces within me either breakaway, fall in to place, or create something new. Each time I have celebrated Opet there has been the creation or destruction of the defining factors which I am able to weave my path.
However, this year brings unknown factors and results I am not able to predict nor have a guide for.The main reason why the expectations are different are due to the new focuses I have decided to work on to develop myself.
I snicker a little bit at this detail. My Opet is the celebration and a rigorous work period with the Theban triad. The members function within the unseen places and along secretive paths. Their focus is on the work within silence and the hidden. Mut has always been a caring and guiding force in my life when I have encountered/worked with Her. Amon-Re and Khons have been part of my personal retinue for some time, however that bond was deepened this year with the oaths I took on Wep Ronpet . The two of them have a tendency to make everything interesting.
I have no doubts the work I do this Opet will leave a long-standing mark upon me.
Onwards to the hidden path!
The first thing I would like to say is best laid plan’s in my world become none of the plans right away. I planned to have a nice post in March after Paganicon and now it’s the middle of June.
So much of my world has been upended, I’m still trying to bend to storm to me rather than my current beings experiencing the chaotic tossing by its design. I figure a short list will give the idea.
I have not been in the dating scene for six years and I decided to take a chance and try to date someone who was interested. After about two maybe three months, he called it quits. I wasn’t dependent enough on him and too independently minded. Considering the signs pointing towards a toxic relationship I saw after the fact, I was in shock for fifteen seconds and heartbroken not even one. I gained experience I didn’t have before and lessons learned in a way that was best case scenario and not world-shattering.
Paganicon was once again an invigorating experience allowing me to once again discover the pieces to organize what I want to do and where I want to go (details will be below).
I lost my job April 1st and have been on the hunt for a few months now. It’s been an adventure forcing me out of my comfort zone and to take chances I never even thought of taking before. It also became a telling sign of how much my job leached out of my life and how much of me was fractured.
Ongoing issues with my heart energies and my third eye caused me enough duress and pain to finally seek out help. This has both helped me get better physically, energetically, but also to get over the I-have-to-do-all-of-the-things-myself. I haven’t asked many times throughout my life for help beyond book-help and opinions from other practitioners when it comes to my spiritual sphere. It’s been a hurdle the Netjeru have been trying to push me through. This event has been followed up with a decision to join two of my friends in a practicing circle of sorts where we help each other, have a few group rituals/practice sessions together, and hold each other accountable to work on our individual goals.
I’m sure by now, you can imagine at least a basic picture of Whirlwind of Stuff.
Now, here we are in June, but first let’s go back to March, specifically for the outcome of Paganicon.
Baby steps, baby steps, oh wait, I’ve been doing baby steps for quite some time and didn’t even know it. When Veggiewolf was both preparing and presenting the talk, I learned I had overcome a hurdle I thought I was still battling. One of the main ideas with Baby Steps was paring down religion from being this separate life not intermingled with the “mundane” to a life-workable form. This ties in to my own practice with how I operate on a ritual level. I do the daily ritual cycle intertwined with my “mundane” life. I put mundane in quotations because it’s a concept I can use with others, but it is one I stopped using for myself. My life is all-encompassing and all woven together. One aspect isn’t more important or separate from the others. Which brings me to another a-ha point happening at Paganicon.
I work with open statues. To those who don’t know what an open statue is, the nutshell description is such: It is a statue utilized as a home for a deity. An open statue is different from other statues in the sense it needs to be taken care of as a person is. Food, clothes, water, bathing are some of the basic needs. It is a TON of work, and I mean a TON. I never put much thought in to how unique it is to have open statues. I thought all Kemetics had them and it was just the way it was. I was incorrect in that belief and surprised at how my own hopes and dreams for long-term temple work were unique. I was elated when others were excited as to how my system worked, especially when the ur-doing-it-rong was never a part of the dialogue.
I’ve spent years hearing what I was doing was wrong and until recently, I just stopped talking about it. I stopped looking for community because community was there in name, but not in practice. I don’t fit the mold of the community I seemed to find when I was looking. I don’t operate in covens or lodges (the dynamics of some of the vocal groups around here scare me). I don’t have just a God and a Goddess (I can count a minimum of 32 in a mixed family setting with three of them as my spouses, two as my other halves and four as my current stalkers). I am a purist in the sense of it’s only one pantheon for me. Others may have a blending and I love to hear how people weave together different systems, but when it’s just “I was told all of the many are the same and I don’t know why I’m mixing the way I am, but someone said it was the way it goes” perturbs me a bit. It’s like walking up to person A asking their name and a brief summary, taking that summary and saying. “oh, you must love to hang out with person B, because the two of you like water”. Rants aside AKA the TL:DR version: it created a complex when all I was finding antagonistic attitudes aimed at me.
I was preparing myself to have to defend myself when I didn’t need to. Which has brought me again to another defining factor, or at least a community defining factor: label. I have spent time trying to define myself to the community in a way not confusing and allows me to not have to have a thirty minute conversation to get basic details. After deliberation and mulling about what to say now, I have come to the conclusion my current label will be “Adaptive Kemetic Reconstructionist”. I am building from studying to make a system comparable to previous practices, but I’m also tweaking for my own use. I find this label is the best of both worlds, the then and the now.
Now we can enter June. As I enter June, I am reminded, ten years. Ten years have now gone by since I took my first oaths to Aset and Nebthet. Ten years since I made the initiative to go this path. I’m looking forward excitedly to where They will take me and where I will take myself. So, onto the new decade.