My life has been chalked full of hectic and stepping back to take a deep breath has not been able to peek its way into my schedule. I can almost count this post as my deep breath.
Work has been wonderful in the way that I don’t necessarily have to fake I’m working. It has allowed me to be able to sit and work on my beading projects when I’ve had downtime. Whether it’s creating new designs or implementing designs I’ve been able to create a diverse inventory (Etsy shop update will happen soon).
As always, I’m finding more thinky-thoughts and projects to add to my already long list. It doesn’t seem like my brain or my Ib are going to stop anytime soon. That just means I’m the embodiment of the flood. The snow hasn’t even melted yet and I’m bursting at the seams. It must be an ice dam.
I was asked by a local shop last year if I would be willing to present a Kemetic Mythology 101 as a class for their store, and as it would be, I have been letting my anxiety hold me back in different respects to completing the proposal. There is a large amount of information and sourcing I can utilize, but it’s been very overwhelming in my attempts to decide what information I want to present and how I want to present it to the audience. I already know the why I want to do this, and that’s been keeping me from abandoning the project. I told myself I will hone in after my cultural holidays have left and now they are gone.
However, something else has taken precedence. The main focus of my non-work related life has become my costume for the Paganicon Ball in March. The theme is “Primal Mysteries” and the theme of my costume is a tribute to Amon-Re. I have the dress I’m going to be tweaking, but now it is a question of what to use and creating like crazy.
In symbolic terms, I’m currently a spider. I attempt to avoid squishing from large books and weave like crazy, because deadlines and He deserves my attention currently.
The first thing I would like to say is best laid plan’s in my world become none of the plans right away. I planned to have a nice post in March after Paganicon and now it’s the middle of June.
So much of my world has been upended, I’m still trying to bend to storm to me rather than my current beings experiencing the chaotic tossing by its design. I figure a short list will give the idea.
I have not been in the dating scene for six years and I decided to take a chance and try to date someone who was interested. After about two maybe three months, he called it quits. I wasn’t dependent enough on him and too independently minded. Considering the signs pointing towards a toxic relationship I saw after the fact, I was in shock for fifteen seconds and heartbroken not even one. I gained experience I didn’t have before and lessons learned in a way that was best case scenario and not world-shattering.
Paganicon was once again an invigorating experience allowing me to once again discover the pieces to organize what I want to do and where I want to go (details will be below).
I lost my job April 1st and have been on the hunt for a few months now. It’s been an adventure forcing me out of my comfort zone and to take chances I never even thought of taking before. It also became a telling sign of how much my job leached out of my life and how much of me was fractured.
Ongoing issues with my heart energies and my third eye caused me enough duress and pain to finally seek out help. This has both helped me get better physically, energetically, but also to get over the I-have-to-do-all-of-the-things-myself. I haven’t asked many times throughout my life for help beyond book-help and opinions from other practitioners when it comes to my spiritual sphere. It’s been a hurdle the Netjeru have been trying to push me through. This event has been followed up with a decision to join two of my friends in a practicing circle of sorts where we help each other, have a few group rituals/practice sessions together, and hold each other accountable to work on our individual goals.
I’m sure by now, you can imagine at least a basic picture of Whirlwind of Stuff.
Now, here we are in June, but first let’s go back to March, specifically for the outcome of Paganicon.
Baby steps, baby steps, oh wait, I’ve been doing baby steps for quite some time and didn’t even know it. When Veggiewolf was both preparing and presenting the talk, I learned I had overcome a hurdle I thought I was still battling. One of the main ideas with Baby Steps was paring down religion from being this separate life not intermingled with the “mundane” to a life-workable form. This ties in to my own practice with how I operate on a ritual level. I do the daily ritual cycle intertwined with my “mundane” life. I put mundane in quotations because it’s a concept I can use with others, but it is one I stopped using for myself. My life is all-encompassing and all woven together. One aspect isn’t more important or separate from the others. Which brings me to another a-ha point happening at Paganicon.
I work with open statues. To those who don’t know what an open statue is, the nutshell description is such: It is a statue utilized as a home for a deity. An open statue is different from other statues in the sense it needs to be taken care of as a person is. Food, clothes, water, bathing are some of the basic needs. It is a TON of work, and I mean a TON. I never put much thought in to how unique it is to have open statues. I thought all Kemetics had them and it was just the way it was. I was incorrect in that belief and surprised at how my own hopes and dreams for long-term temple work were unique. I was elated when others were excited as to how my system worked, especially when the ur-doing-it-rong was never a part of the dialogue.
I’ve spent years hearing what I was doing was wrong and until recently, I just stopped talking about it. I stopped looking for community because community was there in name, but not in practice. I don’t fit the mold of the community I seemed to find when I was looking. I don’t operate in covens or lodges (the dynamics of some of the vocal groups around here scare me). I don’t have just a God and a Goddess (I can count a minimum of 32 in a mixed family setting with three of them as my spouses, two as my other halves and four as my current stalkers). I am a purist in the sense of it’s only one pantheon for me. Others may have a blending and I love to hear how people weave together different systems, but when it’s just “I was told all of the many are the same and I don’t know why I’m mixing the way I am, but someone said it was the way it goes” perturbs me a bit. It’s like walking up to person A asking their name and a brief summary, taking that summary and saying. “oh, you must love to hang out with person B, because the two of you like water”. Rants aside AKA the TL:DR version: it created a complex when all I was finding antagonistic attitudes aimed at me.
I was preparing myself to have to defend myself when I didn’t need to. Which has brought me again to another defining factor, or at least a community defining factor: label. I have spent time trying to define myself to the community in a way not confusing and allows me to not have to have a thirty minute conversation to get basic details. After deliberation and mulling about what to say now, I have come to the conclusion my current label will be “Adaptive Kemetic Reconstructionist”. I am building from studying to make a system comparable to previous practices, but I’m also tweaking for my own use. I find this label is the best of both worlds, the then and the now.
Now we can enter June. As I enter June, I am reminded, ten years. Ten years have now gone by since I took my first oaths to Aset and Nebthet. Ten years since I made the initiative to go this path. I’m looking forward excitedly to where They will take me and where I will take myself. So, onto the new decade.