“I” is for Inklings of a Troubled Present and Intentions for the Future
There was a discussion months back in the eCauldron chat about what we would all be doing if our livelihoods didn’t depend on currency. It got me thinking about what I really wanted to do with my life. Whenever I’ve been asked about where I want to be, whether it’s a month from now, or years from now, it’s been different a different answer every time. A few days after the conversation, I really started to think about me, where I wanted to be, and what I wanted to do. This has been an eye-opening self-therapy session.
I want to create. I want to create items. I want to create another link in the chain of the stories of my Makhaut and make a home worthy of them. I would spend my days meditating, praying, researching, storytelling, talking with friends, and crafting. It was funny and sad when I came to this simple conclusion. All I currently really want out of life is to make shiny items, the Netjeru, friendship, happiness, and me. The fact I think of these as far and distant really hit me hard. The realization really made me sit down and evaluate why these simple things were so distant. The realization has leaked over to my Heka, Ka, Ba, Monster, and Khait work to make my life better.
My one-month to six-month plan is to have a place to live and a new job. Toxic is toxic and both my job and my living space is stocked heavily in shit strewn with a multitude of emotionally abusive circumstances. I’m not going in to any more details, because it’s still hard to talk about, and it’s the talk between others I trust and me.
My five year plan includes getting out of the debt-hole I got myself in to. I’m not as bad as others are, but it’s bad enough to where I could have other things lined up if I didn’t have the amount of unnecessary bills. This is priority one. It’s been an unnecessary stress and a hard lesson to learn.
My ongoing plan is to move somewhere out of the present state. People say home is where the heart is, and my heart isn’t feeling the location nor the people who reside here. I’ve lived here for a large portion of my life, but I still feel incredibly distant from the native people and their norms. I come from a different value system with different social cues. The differences between my social behavior and the behavior accepted in the area have driven wedges between others and me.
I wouldn’t say the people here are horrid, but even being among outsiders has put me at the minority of the minority. The number of people in meat-space in this area who can be counted as true friends can be counted on a single hand. It isn’t a bad circumstance, but when it jumps from friend to people who don’t give two shits about me, there is a problem. The conclusion has been this is my location, this is not my home.
I’ve been feeling rather wanderlust yet yearn for the sense of “home”. It saddens me to not have a way to see outside of what there is out there for me and to try and figure out where I want to be. It has been uplifting talking to others about plans and ways to achieve this goal. It has filled me with a renewed sense of adventure and excitement I haven’t felt for a while. This is why “I” is for Inklings of a troubled present and intentions for the future, because from the sadness I’m feeling, the hope I’m going to realize will lead me towards the happiness I’m working to gain back.